Now Self-Serving Kerry "Danger" Fores

I am Facebook friends with a person who has made a very good living off her last name. I’ll call her “Mrs. P.”  Every few days Mrs. P answers her fan’s random questions and I am always surprised how the questions dovetail perfectly with something current in Mrs. P’s life. For instance:

Q: Other than when you met Mr. P, have you ever been to Europe?
A: As a matter of fact I am currently working with a London theater group to bring my life story to the stage. It is scheduled to open late this year. Tickets will be available soon through Ticketmaster®.

Q: Did you pick out your wedding ring?
A: The ring was selected by Mr. P. You can read all about the details of our wedding in my book, Mr. P. and Me, available through Amazon.

Q: Would you answer real questions if we asked them?
Q: Are you a police officer?
— Kerry Fores

It is transparent and self-serving which, of course, is the purpose of Facebook. Well, that and to bait your friends into asking, “What’s up?” by posting status reports such as “Anybody need a hair dryer? I won’t after tomorrow.”

Mrs. P’s question and answer posts inspired me to dedicate this week’s blog post to answering actual questions submitted by my actual readers, or reader; you may just be one person with two different email accounts. Or you may be my cousin Angela. She'd do that. So let’s begin, shall we? Yes, you in the teal beret….

Q: How long have you been writing?
A: About 17 minutes.

Q: No, when did you first begin writing?
A: Right around 7:32 PM on Monday, August 11th.

Q: No. When in your life did you begin writing? [unintelligible mumble]
A: Legibly, in kindergarten, however some of the letters required a mirror to read.

Q: Your blog tends to the serious, thoughtful side. Why is that?
A: Let me think….I have a few things written that are totally off-the-wall that you just aren't ready for.  I’ve held them back as those of you that do not know me could easily get the wrong impression. I can’t be categorized, though many a psychiatrist has tried.

The farmer's daughter?

The farmer's daughter?

Q: I understand you will be adding glamour / boudoir / modeling photographs, that you've taken, to your website soon. True?
A: True! A few years ago a friend asked if I would photograph her with her Ford Mustang and we’ve gotten together a number of times since to shoot different themes. It’s been fun and it is a form of photography I will pursue further. Plus, adding glamour photos (and cat videos) to my blog will triple my viewership.

Q: So you both write and do photography. Which do you enjoy the most?
A: I enjoy both as they encourage me to see things, not just look at things. One reason I blog is it forces me to do what I enjoy. I know that sounds odd but I bet there are many of you who, like me, put off doing what you want to do in favor of what you should do.

Q: You are a pilot. Have you ever flown 150 MPH just above the surface of the water, pulled up into a vertical climb, kicked left rudder into a hammerhead turn as you ran out of airspeed at the top of the climb, and then descended straight down until you were going fast enough to level out and perform an aileron roll?
A: Yes.

Q: And I understand you did that in an airplane you built yourself?
A: That is correct.

Q: Do you have any idea what the message, below, means when you open Microsoft Word?
A: No. Nobody does.

Q: It is obvious you enjoy motorcycling in the summer. What do you do in the winter?
A: My winter activities include sobbing uncontrollably into my pillows, consoling my summer wardrobe and assuring my motorcycles it will all be okay, but sometimes I struggle to believe that myself.

Q. It doesn’t sound like you like the cold. What brought you to Wisconsin?
A: Ummmm, this is kind of embarrassing….intercourse of unknown duration, an 8-month gestation period and, if my mother is to be believed, hours of painful labor.

          It happens.

          It happens.

Q: Have you ever gotten a drunk text from a married woman?
A: Yes, as a man of considerable wealth, it happens.

Q: Will you ever explain the mug shot on your "Me" page?
A: Some day, when you are older. Right now you are still too young.

Q: Have you ever parked your car under a shopping cart shelter?
A: Wait. What? Those are cart shelters?


Q: I see by the news headlines you are in the Middle East often. How is that going?
A: That is Secretary of State John Kerry, not me, but I do enjoy the headlines. My favorite, which I have on my office door, is Kerry in Self-inflicted Quagmire.

Q: Tell me about your old neighbor, Jack.
A: I learned that he passed away. We were very close, once, when he marched up my driveway and accused me of trying to run over his dog. He called me a young punk and threatened me. I told him to get off my property and stay out of my life. I hope he is in a better place now. I know the neighborhood is a better place without him. Yes, I just said that.

The first 3-string Cigar Box guitar I built.

The first 3-string Cigar Box guitar I built.

Q: Do you play electric, 3-string Cigar Box guitars that you build from junk?
A: Yes, I do. I discovered the instrument while walking Beale Street in Memphis. I may begin building them to sell for extra income (this writing gig doesn’t pay crap).

Q: Do you need extra income?
A: No. As mentioned earlier I am a man of considerable wealth.

Q: In that case, do you have any stock tips for us?
A: Do not buy Tiger X Medical (ticker: CDOM) on October 24, 2013.

Q: Did you make any of these questions up just so you could tell us more about yourself?
A: I have no direct knowledge that that occurred but I will look in to those allegations and take swift action, if necessary, to maintain my approval rating. You folks deserve no less.

Q: Have you ever loaded nuclear weapons into a B-52 Stratofortress?
A: Wow! Great question! Yes, I have!

Q: Has anyone at Starbucks ever critiqued your comma usage?
A: Commas give me pause. I know three grammar geeks that seem to disagree on comma usage. I’m convinced no one really knows how to use the diminutive comma. I just call it my “style.” 

Q: Is it also your style to mention Elvis in every blog post, the same way Alfred Hitchcock appeared briefly in each of the movies he directed?
A: No. I’ve not mentioned Elvis once in this post. You are the one who brought him up.

Smartie pants.

Smartie pants.

Q: Have you ever made paper pants for a package of candy Smarties?
A: Yes, and I call them Smartie Pants. This stuff just comes to me.

Q: Would you answer real questions if we asked them?
Q: Are you a police officer?

A: No. Well, maybe some of your readers are but they wouldn’t ask those kinds of questions.
Q: What kind of questions would they ask?

A: Dunno. I was just asking.
A: If you have questions go ahead and ask them. Maybe that can become part of my blog or Facebook page. I could answer real questions by real readers, just like Mrs. P does.

A: Cool! That would be a-maz-ing.
A: “A-maz-ing” is so 2013. "Amazeballs" is the newest term.

Q: Huh?
A: I’m afraid that is all I have time for today. I appreciate you stopping by. Please exit through my gift.

This was fun and tremendously self-serving, let's do it again soon….